Understanding Conflict Styles: What They Are and Why They Matter

Welcome to the Resolution Room!

Conflict is a part of life—whether it’s a disagreement with a coworker, tension in a relationship, or differing views in the barbershop. But not all conflict is bad. The way we handle conflict is what makes the difference. That’s where conflict styles come in.

Knowing your conflict style—and recognizing others’—is one of the most important steps toward resolving disputes productively. It helps you respond with more intention and less reaction. In this post, we’ll break down the five primary conflict styles, how they show up, and when to use (or avoid) them.

What Are Conflict Styles?

Conflict styles are patterns of behavior people use when facing disagreements. These patterns often reflect our instincts, upbringing, past experiences, and communication habits. The most widely recognized model comes from the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), which identifies five conflict styles based on two dimensions: assertiveness (how much you try to satisfy your own needs) and cooperativeness (how much you try to satisfy others’ needs).

The five styles are:

1. Avoiding

2. Accommodating

3. Competing

4. Compromising

5. Collaborating

   
   

Let’s break them down.

1. Avoiding: “I’d rather not deal with this.”

• Low assertiveness, low cooperativeness

• Main focus: Delay or dodge conflict

• Behaviors: Withdrawing, staying silent, changing the subject, postponing

When it works:

• When the issue is minor or temporary

• When emotions are too high and a break is needed

• When it’s not your battle to fight

Risks:

• Problems fester

• Resentment builds

• Important issues stay unresolved

  
  

Avoiding is the emotional equivalent of pressing mute. It might keep the peace temporarily, but it rarely solves the actual problem. Still, it can be useful in the short term if space or time is truly needed.

2. Accommodating: “Whatever you want is fine.”

• Low assertiveness, high cooperativeness

• Main focus: Preserve the relationship by giving in

• Behaviors: Yielding, smoothing over, prioritizing others’ needs

When it works:

• When the issue matters more to the other person than to you

• When you want to build goodwill or de-escalate tension

• When maintaining harmony is more important than winning

Risks:

• You may be taken advantage of

• Your needs and opinions can get buried

• It can lead to internal frustration

Accommodators are peacemakers, often highly empathetic. But without boundaries, this style can lead to self-silencing and long-term imbalance.

3. Competing: “I need to win this.”

• High assertiveness, low cooperativeness

• Main focus: Win the conflict, assert control

• Behaviors: Arguing, pushing back, standing firm

When it works:

• In emergencies or high-stakes decisions

• When fast, decisive action is needed

• When defending against injustice or unethical behavior

Risks:

• Can damage relationships

• May create fear or hostility

• Can escalate the conflict

Competition isn’t always negative—it can bring clarity and conviction. But overused, it creates a win-lose dynamic that shuts down collaboration.

4. Compromising: “Let’s meet in the middle.”

• Medium assertiveness, medium cooperativeness

• Main focus: Find a quick, mutually acceptable solution

• Behaviors: Bargaining, splitting the difference, making concessions

When it works:

• When time is limited

• When both sides have equal power

• When a temporary or middle-ground solution is acceptable

Risks:

• Both sides may feel unsatisfied

• The best solution might be overlooked

• Can become a default instead of a thoughtful choice

  
  

Compromise is practical and efficient, but it’s not always the ideal. Sometimes, it leaves important needs unmet on both sides.

5. Collaborating: “Let’s solve this together.”

• High assertiveness, high cooperativeness

• Main focus: Find a win-win solution

• Behaviors: Open dialogue, creative problem-solving, active listening

When it works:

• When there’s time and willingness to explore deeper solutions

• When relationships are important

• When the issue is complex and needs joint effort

Risks:

• Can be time-consuming

• Requires trust and communication skills

• Not always practical in urgent situations

  
  

Collaboration is the gold standard for conflict resolution. It takes effort but often leads to stronger relationships and more durable solutions.

Why Knowing Your Conflict Style Matters

Most people have a default style—something they revert to under stress or habit. But that doesn’t mean it’s always the right one for the moment. Effective conflict resolution means being flexible: knowing when to shift styles based on the situation, stakes, and people involved.

Ask yourself:

• Do I tend to avoid conflict or face it head-on?

• Am I more concerned with outcomes or relationships?

• Do I listen as much as I speak during conflict?

Self-awareness is the first step toward change. Once you recognize your style, you can develop the tools to adapt and improve how you handle disagreement.

Final Thought

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to conflict. Each style has strengths and blind spots. The key is to use the right style, at the right time, in the right way. That’s the core of effective conflict resolution—not avoiding conflict, but approaching it with clarity, skill, and empathy.

Want to go deeper? Contact me for training, coaching, or team workshops on navigating conflict with confidence and intention.